When I started drinking and using drugs I wasn’t doing it to escape reality or chase something greater than me. It was simply out of curiosity. Most kids that age drink and smoke weed so there wasn’t anything abnormal about it. I wasn’t a drug addict or an alcoholic at the time, I was just a kid enjoying the best years of my life. Eventually the years went on and I hadn’t been experimenting anymore, I had been physically addicted to heroin and a full blown alcoholic.
I was no longer drinking and drugging out of pleasure but out of necessity. Yes, there had been a time where I could have stopped it early on, but that time was long gone. Drugs and alcohol comforted me when I was down, the sense of ease and comfort I received from them was unparalleled to anything else I had ever known. There was no medication, no psychiatrist, and no woman that ever filled the hole in my soul as they did. I often feared there was no escape and without them I would continue to feel empty inside, as I did when I was sober. As this was the only way to get through life. I often thought of killing myself to escape the madness but hadn’t had the will to do it. I felt as though I had no purpose in life, no meaning to my existence, that this was simply all there was to life for me.
I had tried numerous times to get sober always ending in the same result, relapse. I often thought I was just weak willed, but the reality is that I had actually lost the choice to use. I had no control over this thing anymore; it is not a mind over matter. The fact is that I suffered from a mental obsession that was beyond my control, that no medication or doctor could help. No one offered me a solution that worked until I found the actual program of recovery
I was constantly looked down upon by my friends and family, not that I could blame them but I was honestly trying to stop. I was seen as a junkie, a liar, a fraud and a manipulator. I expected doors of opportunities to open up to me when sobering up, but 30 days of sobriety wasn’t enough to undo the damage I had done over 10 years. The first 30 days were absolutely the most difficult of the entire journey, the pain and suffering I not only put myself, but others as well had become a reality for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow to see the hurt in your friends and families’ eyes once I sobered up. All of a sudden, I saw all the damage I had really caused.
I can see now that I was kept alive and given this chance because I did have a greater purpose. There was always someone or something looking out for me so I can turn around and help someone else who was in the same position, as I once was. I’ve been given a second chance to live a purpose driven life, to live and enjoy my life as I had once imagined. Now as a result of me taking action to help other people that are as hopeless as I was, I am blessed with a life of contentment and freedom that I had only imagined. Being grateful for this isn’t enough for me, in order for me to keep what I’ve found, I have to continue to help others and give it away. You see what I’ve been given is a new attitude and a new outlook on life. I’ve been given a brand new pair of glasses to see life through. What I really have is a new perspective, and for that I’m not grateful enough.
Through taking right steps on this path of recovery I have gained a lot of material possessions back in my life that I had thrown away to begin with. Now those things like my car, my license, my job, and the place I live are all great, but they do not even come close to matching the inner peace I feel on a daily basis as well as the satisfaction that I receive from the little things in life, and the ability to handle anything life throws my way. Keep in mind, I’m only able to maintain this attitude through continuous service to others and seeing what I have to offer each day, this is only a daily reprieve. I spent most of my life being a taker so by doing this I’m going against every fiber of DNA make up. I couldn’t be any happier with my life than I am today.
I used to be very indecisive, and still can be at times, however I never had any motivation to accept responsibility and seek any career. I always feared I would make a bad decision so I chose not to decide at all. I am now currently seeking a fulfilling career and just learning the basics of it now, but I’m in the right direction none the less. This is mind blowing to a person like me, I’m proud to wake up in the morning and go to work. I’m no longer working dead end jobs that I would work just to make ends meet so I could blow it all on drugs and alcohol.
If this process could work for me, then it could help just about anyone with any kind of addiction or even just depression. If you’re feeling absolutely hopeless no matter what the circumstances are, it’s important that you know that there is hope out there for you. All I needed to do was get honest and ask for help. For a while, I was unable to ask for help because I was too proud to ask for it, but at a moment of weakness I had to put that aside to get the help I needed and just ask for it. To anyone who is struggling right now, if you can just set aside your ego and self-prejudice and just ask for the help you need, then you shall receive it. You’d be amazed at how many people are willing to help when you ask for it. Today I live a worry free life, free from judgment of others and their opinions and I’m proud to say my name is Taylor Clayton and I have recovered from alcoholism and addiction.