My life today is beyond my wildest dreams. I never understood what that meant until I had the willingness to recover from my addiction. I was in a hopeless state of mind, unable to be honest with anyone, including myself. Addiction took me to a dark place, darker than I could’ve imagined. Even when I hit my bottom there was a trap door. Things that I thought would never happen to me did.
One of the misconceptions about addiction is that we have a choice. People think by just having a little bit of will power, we can change our destructive behavior. I had no choice. No matter how badly I wanted to stop my pain and get help, I couldn’t put down the drug. I didn’t know any other way of life, I was used to my misery. I would wake up every morning with the determination to stay sober. Later in the day I would sit, high, and wonder how I got there.
I knew I was different from a very young age. I always did things to fit in even if I didn’t want to do it. My feelings of insecurity and inferiority led me to my first drink. Those feelings led me to my second drink, my third and so on. When I was finally faced with the choice of suicide or changing my life, I decided to open my mind to recovery. I was afraid because I was 17 and felt like my life was over. I was the only one I knew that was even considering the thought of sobriety, and I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.
My first 30 days of recovery were spent in a 28-day program and my house. I was resentful, stubborn, frustrated, and withdrawing. I didn’t want to get help. I just wanted to die. I struggled a lot in my first 30 days. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do with my life. After 120 days and one rehab later, I decided to surrender. These last 30 days have also been a struggle, but instead of drinking and drugging because I’m going through a rough time, I turn to family and friends for support.
I don’t regret anything that has happened to me. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. God meant for me to go through what I did so I could become the person I am today. Some people tell me I’m lucky, I like to think of it as blessed. I was on an express train going 200 mph towards a brick wall. I didn’t get off a few stops before…I jumped off a split second before it crashed.
I have accomplished so much in my life. The thing I’m most proud of is my voice. I have learned to use my voice to make a positive impact. I no longer am the voice of negativity and sorrow, but hope and strength.
Today, I am a beautiful young woman in long-term recovery, with a life of endless opportunities ahead of me. With the support of family, friends and my 12 step program, I can recover. I will not let my disease define me.