Recovery goes far beyond its definition or interpretation. It’s about embarking on a process, a journey of fulfillments, enriching lives without the use of mind or mood altering substances.
Before ever being introduced to this process I was left with my own devices. After years of struggle and degradation, and the lives I’ve hurt as well as my own brought me to my knees. Everyone and everything seemed to have vanished within a blink of an eye, as if I woke up from a bad dream laying in the fetal position. My body was aching in pain and I couldn’t recall much of anything.
Crying out in desperation I felt helpless and my vulnerability was eating me alive. I hadn’t bathed, ate or slept in days. I was nothing, but a mere existence of skin and bone who had lost her soul. That slightest moment of reality is what woke me from this nightmare and it was at that moment I had to make a decision. Continue my pain and suffering of the unmanageable life I’ve created, or stop using and find a new way to live.
I then concluded that I’ve taken so many chances knocking at death’s door, so why not take a chance and walk away from it? With every ounce of energy I had left in me I picked myself up and started walking away slowly.
Step after baby step the fog was lifting little by little. I started to open my eyes and see the world in a clearer place. For so long, I had numbed myself using drugs that anything outside of that seemed foreign. I began to feel my feelings again for the first time in awhile. I started to have fun and laugh again, I experienced sadness and cried without feeling ashamed. It was uncomfortable at first to revisit my emotions, but like anything else, things don’t happen overnight.
Day after day, night after night, I began noticing some small changes. I gained a couple pounds and was looking healthier than I’d ever been. I took showers regularly, and not only was I clean, but I felt clean mentally and emotionally as well. The further I was walking away from death’s door, the more glimpses of hope I saw through windows of opportunity. After years of doubting myself, I finally gained the courage to study the drivers manual and passed the test. Also, I began to develop hobbies like drawing and playing softball.
The more hope I gained, the more I was able to sleep again and feel well rested each morning. The evidence I acknowledged as blessings which opened my mind to the possibility of something out there greater than myself was going to take care of me and I would be okay. That awareness became clarity which was nothing but the truth. I was okay, and still to this day my gratitude for life is ever growing.
I am no longer the person I was or thought I was. I am no different than anyone else trying to live life. I have just as many assets as I do defects. I can look in the mirror and like who I see staring back at me. Today, I am able to look at the glass half full instead of empty. No longer am I the person people can’t trust. I enjoy simple things in life again such as gazing up at the stars and taking long walks as I feel the crisp breeze flowing through my hair. I have made a complete transformation to a beautiful, loving, caring, trustworthy, and responsible young woman and for that I’m grateful and blessed.